Howdy Doody BPMeers, yer ol’ Uncle Morty’s bitten off, chewed and digested his share o’ modern times and…well, sometimes I get so full of it that I can’t hold back. These are the folks, trends and other things that’re currently on my Shit List. Stay regular and pinch me the real poop at myspace.com/paymorty.

Michael Jackson
Not for any of the typically sordid or ghastly reasons, but more for trusting his Thriller 25th Anniversary record to such groundbreaking musical visionaries as Akon and Fergie. I guess it coulda been worse. If this were the 15th or 20th Anniversary edition it might’ve been Fred Durst and Sisqo or Chingy and Avril Lavigne.

E-Spam
Specifically those spurious “Clinically Proven to Increase the Size of Your Penis” e-mails…and fuck the legitimate medical community for not making those a reality. I’m just sayin’…

Sports Stars on Steroids
I say let ‘em do whatever makes ‘em better. If it’s not fair to the “clean” ones, then make two leagues: one with mandatory testing and one with mandatory steroid taking. Then get ‘em all good and juiced and have ‘em fight it out to the death…with lions.

Bob Sinclair
First of all it’s Bob Sinclar (actually Christophe Le Friant), you Euro-disco requestin’ goofballs and secondly, who the fuck are the children of the sky and why do I have to tell ‘em a goddamn thing? Nothing against Bob personally but it’s like “A Saturday Night at The Roxbury Fever.”

Preachers and Soldiers for President
Really? Are we still playing “my god’s better’n yours” with the world? We’re laughed at for injecting religion into our politics…byFrance, for fuck’s sake! And since when is the military the model for diplomacy? I thought we had a military for when diplomacy doesn’t work. Let’s just elect a consortium of really, really smart people to fix our problems. We haven’t tried that yet.

TMZ and Tabloid TV
Hey, it’s entertaining to watch celebs and neo-celebs out at all the spots we were at the night before, but the snide remarks and shitting on is too much. You make your bread from bothering these people. Pick a side, fuckers. And don’t fool yourself that you help “the industry” thrive. Without you the industry would have to rely on such hackneyed merits as talent, glamour and intrigue.

Club Flyers
Replacing 80’s (it’s actually ’80s, by the way) with electro or mash-up or whatever buzz word folks salivate to now on your “hip-hop, rock, 80’s” totin’ flyers doesn’t make your club any more boutique. We all play the same songs because your crowd only dances to what they already know. Try putting on “80% Top 40, 12% songs you should like, 8% songs you’re gonna like once they’re on TRL.”

Axl Rose
Dude, Guns n’ Roses had one great album and a few other nice songs but who really gives a seventh of a shit about Chinese Democracy? I keep hearing about this eon-awaited follow-up to 1991’s Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 like it’s the fuckin’ Holy Grail. C’mon Axie, 2Pac’s put out like six albums…and he’s dead.

People that Ask for Copies of My Hard Drive
Dude, I have about 23,000 songs that’ve taken me thousands of dollars and tens of years to accumulate (besides organizing all the BPMs, keys and cue points) and you have the audacity to ask like it ain’t no thing? We all trade songs but this makes me sick with awkwardness every time I get hit up for it.

People that Don’t Pull into the Intersection on Green Lights
You…dicks.